Monday, 8 July 2013

Why me?

It's on the most painful days, or sometimes just on the days when I can't remember what it's like to not be in pain, that I ask "why me?"

I'm not a spiritual person, I don't believe in any gods, but with the persistent and completely agonising pain of chronic migraine and with the every day constant of daily headache, I wonder sometimes if I'm being punished by some higher power.

I understand most pain, it might hurt unbearably, but it's your body's way of telling you that your arm is sliced open, you're holding something that's burning you, that you've got some problem on the inside which needs to be resolved; it's the body's way of telling you that something is wrong and it needs to be fixed.

Why then, do I have this excruciating pain in my head? It's not a sign of a brain tumour or anything like that, it's not a sign of something being wrong that needs fixing. So it just feels like it's punishment.

Punishment for trying to enjoy life, for seeing my friends, for doing my job.  Punishment for eating, punishment for not eating, punishment for being warm, punishment for being cold. Punishment for doing exercise, punishment for not doing exercise, etc.

I've tried to be good to people in my life, to treat others how I want to be treated myself.  I haven't always managed to do that though and I know I've been terrible at keeping up friendships and being there for friends, maybe that's what I'm being punished for.

If it isn't a punishment though, why me? Why do I have to endure this never-ending and seemingly pointless torture? There are worse people than me in the world who don't go through this pain, why do I have to?  Are they punished in some other way I don't know about?

Of course, no-one knows why me, they don't know what causes migraines yet. Maybe when they do find out, they'll be able to find a cure and there won't be masses of sufferers wondering what they did in a prior life to deserve this punishment now.

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